A Memory For Monday

I'm pretty angry as I sit down to write this.  In fact, I'm fairly certain that I'm angry enough not to truly be able to capture what I'm feeling in words.  But I'm going to try.  Do me a favor, won't you?  Please think about someone you love or have loved that has broken trust with you. Think about how it made you feel and please read the following with that feeling in your heart.

What's the biggest lie you've ever been told?  Chances are you don't know the answer.  That's a heartwarming thought, isn't it?

Oh, you can probably think of some whoppers that have come your way, but the biggest lies, the ones that could devastate our very souls, often go unspoken, undiscovered.  The perpetrators are either skilled story tellers or masters of evasiveness - lies of omission - sometimes both.

Studies say that up to 25% of all people are sociopaths - people with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial behavior and a lack of conscience. I'm betting that the biggest, most compulsive liars fall into this category.   I'll bet you know and have identified some of the sociopaths that have come your way.

 Those of us who have friends and/or family with addiction problems have had a good deal of experience dealing with liars. 

 My latest personal experience with a compulsive liar had me overlooking things and making excuses for a long-time gambling addicted friend who I'd had no idea had any kind of addiction problem.  Shoot, I'd never even known a gambling addict before, so to say it was the furthest thing from my mind is no exaggeration.

 Unbeknownst to me, my 'blindness', my ignorance, had me enabling her, time and time again, whenever she'd been short on cash/needed gas/couldn't make the rent/couldn't pay her car insurance on time/etc.  I only discovered the truth once she was 'cornered' on a specific occasion and had to explain to me where $1200 had disappeared to.  She actually told me that she only admitted to her problem because she'd been cornered.




 It was devastating to learn she'd broken trust.  And I was furious when I looked back over our friendship and began to see how often she'd lied to my face.  It had been more times than I could count...and those were just the times I could identify in retrospect.

So, what did I do in that circumstance?  Me, the person who raised her children with this as advice: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."  I forgave her.  I asked her not to ask me for any more money, ever.  I told her I didn't want to know anything about her finances.  I 'edited' our friendship and we moved forward.  (Let me say it for you, "Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!")

Prior to this BFL (Big Freaking Liar) incident, Stu, Shirley and I had given her a car... this person who had always driven cars that barely and/or rarely ran.  And it was a really nice car - only a couple of years old, perfect body condition, low mileage...

Back at the time my friend and I had decided to move forward with our 'edited' friendship, I'd made one single request. I'd said, "Please give me your word that you will never take a title loan on your car without first coming to Stu and me."  She'd looked me straight in the eye and said, "I give you my word.  I promise that will never happen."  She'd been quite emphatic.  I chose to believe her.  (Let me say it for you, "Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!")

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.  I received an early morning phone call from this friend that began a string of  obvious lies.  The string of lies included lies of omission, as well as look-you-directly-in-the-eye-and-lie lies.  

This time around, I knew with her first breath that she was lying to me.  When I called her on it, she kept right on lying, changing the way she presented the story to me a little each time she told it.

You've probably guessed that she'd taken a title loan on her car.  The 'shop' was holding the car until she paid the loan back.

The web she wove was, indeed, incredibly tangled.  Yet, she insisted that it was all okay because she was going to get the car back.  Um, HELLO, it wasn't about the car being gone for me.  HELLO, HELLO BF liar, you are compulsively lying to me and doing it about something which you gave me your word you. wouldn't. do.

That was the end of our friendship. Lest anybody wonder what types of things will end a friendship for me, this was one of them.  Please just don't lie to me. I guess that goes without saying.  Addicts and other liars are toxic.

 I was an unbelievably poor judge of character - twice - and each time was for an extended period.  This actually concerns me because I've always been able to trust my gut.

And the whole scenario has left me gun-shy.  Who do I help out?  Who do I trust?  Who do I befriend?  How do I forgive myself for being so clueless? How do I stop kicking myself in my own behind?




 I can still feel myself building up cement walls - thick and high.  I almost feel like I should hang a sign on my cement walls that says, "No New People".

Have you ever discovered that someone told you a big lie?  What did you do?  What are some good ways to begin trusting new people as you get to know them?

Thanks for letting me vent.  You guys are great therapists!!